The sun comes out

I was taken to a facility where I was given an evaluation by a psychiatrist and they made an appointment for me to see one on a regular basis. I was asked alot about my feelings and thoughts and was put on some medications which seemed to help a little. My panic attacks were manageable and my mood was less chaotic but I still could not fix the hole in my heart. I had faith that God knew what he was doing; I just didnt think that he realized that I wasnt the person he should be doing it to. I had no knowledge of special needs children. I was so tender hearted that I couldnt even look at them in public. Wondering the whole time why God would do this to a child and thinking that the poor parents must be a wreck. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I am only being honest. I wasnt mean, I just pitied the people in these situations. I knew I had neither the courage or the patience it required. It was all a big mistake. God was just trying to scare me for any bad things I might have done. He was just teaching me a lesson and when she was born I would see that that was his reason behind all of this. She would turn out normal and healthy and it would all be ok. It wasnt ok!!!!! With each Doctor visit, the news got more grim. Her heartbeat was strong but she wasnt growing. I was running out of amniotic fluid and this was causing the Ultrasounds to not show her. It was a guessing game for now. I finally decided that if I wanted to make this real in my mind; I had to tell my son. My sweet Jameson. He cried a little and then looked at me with love in his eyes so strong that there was no doubt that he meant what he was about to say. "Mom, it does not matter to me what she looks like!! I love her already and whatever happens she will always be my sister and I will always protect her." My heart changed at that moment and hasnt been the same since. I was no longer thinking I couldnt do this. I knew if my seven year old could face this with such bravery and resolve that I could too.